Dysfunctional - now I understand

Jane Wolf, in her book "Stepping Out" has made the term "dysfunctional" so understandable. I quote from pg. 58:

"In a dysfunctional family, basic questions aren't asked and root problems simply are not recognized. The family for various reasons does not have the skills, time or energy to do this. Instead, each family member is left to interpret the actions they observe on their own. They make assumptions. Yet no one can know what was truly meant or intended without discussion."

I appreciate the fact that the author is not trying to bring me to the point of guilt that I was either brought up in a home like this or was a parent in a home like this. She recognizes that families do not have the skills to be "functional". Children need dialogue, otherwise they try to start figuring out things on their own.

Here are the three basic rules of relationships (in a dysfunctional home):

* Don't talk - because people don't listen. Don't talk because talking makes people get angry. Don't talk because people make fun of you. Don't talk because talking has no positive impact. Don't talk because somebody will cry. Don't talk because nobody else sees things the way you do. Don't talk because no one else talks. Don't talk because talking creates problems.

* Don't feel - because there is no place to put the feelings. Don't feel because feelings make life even harder. Don't feel because feelings don't seem to matter; they are just a bother. Don't feel because feeling will cause you to talk, and talking has its own set of problems. Don't feel and you can just keep going.

* Don't trust - because this isn't a safe place. Don't trust because there is no reason to trust. I learn to trust when you accept me the way I am--and you don't. You don't even know the real me; neither do I. And I don't talk anymore--I don't need to; there is nothing to talk about. Everything is fine. Just keep going. I know how to live life--don't talk, don't feel, don't trust. Everything will be fine. And 'fine' is the goal...we all know that. Right?

(These three rules are a direct quote from "Stepping Out")

"So if we have learned these rules well, then we develop a personality to cope with life - a self that is actually an imposter but seems to belong and can be accepted in the world as we know it. It's the self that we think we "should" be. We try to prove that we are valuable. We give the impression that nothing can hurt us. And we learn to depend only on ourselves. We try to be perfect/without error. We try to be all wise and mature, and thus assuring ourselves of our value. We protect ourselves...we move about attempting to take control of our lives by controlling others. We face dire consequences from endeavoring to control people and events, and we scramble to deal with the fallout."

The author gives an example of a young woman who became pregnant, and because she was single and didn't know where to turn, she got an abortion. She honestly thought she was protecting her parents, her church and was controlling what others would think of her. But the decision ended up haunting her for years.

"And how do we feel as we attempt to control others' thoughts...if we are honest? We probably don't know what we feel or how to be honest, but if we could label what we feel, we would say that we feel tired and drained and scared and exposed and crazy and responsible for everyone and everything. These are not good feelings. We feel bad. The bad feelings prove to us that we are insignificant and with little worth. We often feel our lives are controlled by others. Yet others in our life tell us they feel we try to control their lives. All we can agree on is our life feels out of control. That hurts." (The author acknowledges that these thoughts came from Melodie Beattie in "Codependent No More.")

Boy, have I ever been involved in controlling others. And I acknowledge that it makes me feel tired, drained, etc. etc. And then I get caught up into the cycle of feeling that I am being controlled by others. It's a mess - a Catch-22.

And all of this hurting - this pain - feels bad. But it can be good, because it can draw us to a place where the pain is recognized and then dealt with and necessary change can be made. Pain is what drew me to find help in the STEPS program at Salem Alliance. It motivated me to take a chance - come out in the open, so to speak - and become honest with myself. Now I'm several years into it, and while I still have a long way to go, I'm excited to see some progress. I give all the glory to the Great Physician who values me so much and never gave up on me.

Value

I was introduced to a book, written by Jane Wolf, that has so much good in it, that I want to summarize her thoughts on the subject of value. The book is "Stepping Out", and Jane is on the staff at Salem Alliance.

When it comes to our value, "The word of our Creator is the ultimate source by which we see and comprehend our value, our worth, and our significance...the scriptures state our value by telling us that we are made in God's very image, that our names are written on His hands, that He sings over us, that He follows us with His own eyes, that He knows every detail of our lives, that he was willing to die for us. He has even counted every hair on our heads! His actions are evidence that we are loved and valuable to Him. God valued us so much that, even after we walked away from His good plan for us, He gave His only Son to buy us back. He gave this unselfish sacrifice while we were not His friends, but with our brokenness and self-centeredness in full view. This means we are loved. This demonstrates that we were created with intrinsic value--value that is inherent, not dependent on our condition. We never ever lose that value."

Every time I read something like this, I want to shout it from the mountaintops: "God loves me. I am valuable." But then time goes by, and because of influences around me, I forget it. And I know that I am not alone, because I am around women of all ages who indicate by their own words that they are wondering about their value, too.

The chapter goes on to tell that value is learned. In just a few weeks, we will have a newborn in our family. He/she will be dependent on those around them to learn about their value. We will have the joy of helping them learn how much they are loved and about their value. That tiny baby won't have to do a thing. All of its needs will be met by the grownups in its life. There will be lots of learning going on, too. But in the case of a child who does not get the nurturing needed, they learn they are not valuable enough to be protected and may become an adult who doesn't know how to protect themselves. "She will then be routinely diminished, undervalued or violated in one manner or another...those thick, protective walls may leave her safe from violation but isolated and desperately alone."

We will soon learn that the newborn has needs that aren't too pleasant. There will be spit-ups, dirty diapers and more. "As parents patiently clean up and deal with the aftermath of these imperfections, the child will learn patience with herself. She will learn she is valuable even when things aren't convenient. As the child grows and is good-naturedly taught to clean up her own messes, she will mature. She will know how to accept her imperfections as part of her humanity." Just the opposite is also true. If parents have a lack of patience, continually fly into a rage over these inconveniences, as an adult, these imperfections will be a regular reminder that they are not valuable.

So the author presents the fact that as children we learn by what we've been taught through observation or through words. It's all we know. "What we learn--whether it is intentionally taught or not--will form who we become. If we don't learn as children that we are intrinsically loveable, valuable, and significant...we will be on a lifelong search for value, esteem and significance."

And so there ends up being lots of pain in our lives. But the great thing about pain is that it can lead us to seek out a place where we can begin to experience healing for that pain. That's where the STEPS programs at Salem Alliance comes in to help us. I have been taking advantage of these groups for over three years, and I have been asked to begin training to become a leader in one for women. Here is a church that realizes that there are folks out there who did not learn about how valuable they are. They've experienced pain. They've been disappointed by their church, and they have left it. But that same pain has begun a new search to find a place where healing can begin.

When I turned 40, my diminished eyesight made it necessary to get my first pair of glasses. The improvement in my vision was remarkable. But those glasses did not help me to see something that has been in front of me: hurting neighbors who do what they do because they do not know about their value. But my prayer is that the eyes of my heart will begin to develop new vision. The challenge is out there for recovery, rebuilding and restoration ministries. I've experienced healing, and I'm ready to be used by the Great Physician in whatever way He desires.