"In a dysfunctional family, basic questions aren't asked and root problems simply are not recognized. The family for various reasons does not have the skills, time or energy to do this. Instead, each family member is left to interpret the actions they observe on their own. They make assumptions. Yet no one can know what was truly meant or intended without discussion."
I appreciate the fact that the author is not trying to bring me to the point of guilt that I was either brought up in a home like this or was a parent in a home like this. She recognizes that families do not have the skills to be "functional". Children need dialogue, otherwise they try to start figuring out things on their own.
Here are the three basic rules of relationships (in a dysfunctional home):
* Don't talk - because people don't listen. Don't talk because talking makes people get angry. Don't talk because people make fun of you. Don't talk because talking has no positive impact. Don't talk because somebody will cry. Don't talk because nobody else sees things the way you do. Don't talk because no one else talks. Don't talk because talking creates problems.
* Don't feel - because there is no place to put the feelings. Don't feel because feelings make life even harder. Don't feel because feelings don't seem to matter; they are just a bother. Don't feel because feeling will cause you to talk, and talking has its own set of problems. Don't feel and you can just keep going.
* Don't trust - because this isn't a safe place. Don't trust because there is no reason to trust. I learn to trust when you accept me the way I am--and you don't. You don't even know the real me; neither do I. And I don't talk anymore--I don't need to; there is nothing to talk about. Everything is fine. Just keep going. I know how to live life--don't talk, don't feel, don't trust. Everything will be fine. And 'fine' is the goal...we all know that. Right?
(These three rules are a direct quote from "Stepping Out")
"So if we have learned these rules well, then we develop a personality to cope with life - a self that is actually an imposter but seems to belong and can be accepted in the world as we know it. It's the self that we think we "should" be. We try to prove that we are valuable. We give the impression that nothing can hurt us. And we learn to depend only on ourselves. We try to be perfect/without error. We try to be all wise and mature, and thus assuring ourselves of our value. We protect ourselves...we move about attempting to take control of our lives by controlling others. We face dire consequences from endeavoring to control people and events, and we scramble to deal with the fallout."
The author gives an example of a young woman who became pregnant, and because she was single and didn't know where to turn, she got an abortion. She honestly thought she was protecting her parents, her church and was controlling what others would think of her. But the decision ended up haunting her for years.
"And how do we feel as we attempt to control others' thoughts...if we are honest? We probably don't know what we feel or how to be honest, but if we could label what we feel, we would say that we feel tired and drained and scared and exposed and crazy and responsible for everyone and everything. These are not good feelings. We feel bad. The bad feelings prove to us that we are insignificant and with little worth. We often feel our lives are controlled by others. Yet others in our life tell us they feel we try to control their lives. All we can agree on is our life feels out of control. That hurts." (The author acknowledges that these thoughts came from Melodie Beattie in "Codependent No More.")
Boy, have I ever been involved in controlling others. And I acknowledge that it makes me feel tired, drained, etc. etc. And then I get caught up into the cycle of feeling that I am being controlled by others. It's a mess - a Catch-22.
And all of this hurting - this pain - feels bad. But it can be good, because it can draw us to a place where the pain is recognized and then dealt with and necessary change can be made. Pain is what drew me to find help in the STEPS program at Salem Alliance. It motivated me to take a chance - come out in the open, so to speak - and become honest with myself. Now I'm several years into it, and while I still have a long way to go, I'm excited to see some progress. I give all the glory to the Great Physician who values me so much and never gave up on me.
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